Sans Sucre

I have decided to adopt a new keep fit regime and am pleased to report that I can now lift the remote control without gasping for breath.

When doing my research to decide how to approach my new found zeal for fitness I noticed a theme starting to develop. Firstly I need to cut out sweet things and secondly I need to exercise more. Not exactly rocket science.

I have therefore decided to start small and let my routine grow. I am going to begin by cutting out three sugary things from my daily life. But what should they be. I already drink diet cola. This was the result of a previous attempt to reduce my noticabilty at gatherings. I managed, after two weeks, to get used to the taste and now I cannot return to the regular variety. Now I am left to wash down my mid-afternoon chocolate biscuit with a sugar-free fizzy drink. I have a feeling that one should cancel out the other but no scientific facts to back it up.
Incidentally, have you noticed that most ‘large boned’ people tend to drink diet drinks and a majority of slim people drink the normal variety? Not sure what to make of it but I am suspicious and wondered whether I am being given the whole facts.

Anyway, I still need to move towards being sans-sucre in other areas. I have decided, therefore, to give up listening to the Carpenters, I always found them very sugary. I will also cut out chocolate in the afternoon and not eat anything sweet after 20:00 hours (not even if the chocolate mints tell me that I should on the box).

Added to this I have decided to walk up one flight of stairs before getting the lift, instead of at the ground floor. I tried walking up all six flights at once but I had to set up camp on floor three and breath from my oxygen mask for a couple of days before continuing my trek.

The problem I have is that I am stuck in a vicious cycle. Two nights ago I went to the cinema and, because I have certain standards, I ate all my chocolate before they had turned down the lighting. This meant that I was forced to share a giant bag of popcorn with the rest of the family. My bride, of twenty-six years, chooses to take once piece at a time and eat it with her natural grace. I, however, feel that it would give me no challenge whatsoever and would not treat the product as nature intended it. It is perfectly obvious that one should take the biggest handful possible and see how many will fit into your mouth. You might not agree but I know that, in the spirit of Homer Simpson, I am right.

This always results in the loss of at least half of the contents of my sticky fist. When I was younger and leaner most of this excess would drop to the floor only to be used as sound effects at the end of the film. Now, however, the majority of the ‘fallen ones’ drop to be neatly perched on the ledge of my ample stomach, not more than 6 inches from my mouth. They remain there perfectly saved for me to enjoy during the rest of the show. The net effect is that I eat twice as much popcorn as I used to do when I was slim.

I think I need to find a cinema that is up six flights of steps.