Barbecues: Pretending to be Australian but without the weather.

We have just watched a promotional advert for the football World Cup that is about to descend upon us. At the same as I cheered my wife gave a little sigh!

It seems that Mrs M is less than keen on the idea of four-weeks of solid football. I suggested that we could give the England matches a party feel by having a barbecue at the same time
Meat, beer, and football. Excellent!

My bride looked to the heavens, as if for help, and asked me whether I would prefer to watch most of the matches in the local pub.

'Really!' I said trying not to look too excited.

'I'd like you to enjoy it' she said presenting the idea as if she was being kind.

Twenty-nine years of married life tell me that this is not so and that my bride, is in fact, trying to make the house a soccer free zone during competition.

I asked her whether we could still have a few barbecues and she reminded me that she has never been fond of this outdoor eating experience.

Disappointed about her lack of enthusiasm for both football and barbecues I asked her what she found so off putting. Here are the thoughts of Mrs M.

Beef burgers - Why would they take perfectly good steak and mince it up only to put it back again as a pretend piece of steak unless they are trying to hide something.

Cooking outside - It's like pretending to be Australian but without the weather.

The World Cup - I can cope with football but not when they are trying to steal our summer.

Needless to say, I don't agree with my bride on any of the points she makes above.

Beef burgers are a perfectly convenient way of hiding the bits of meat that you wouldn't otherwise consider consuming. I would call this being thrifty.

Barbecues are a great way of us Brits expressing our eternal optimism in spite of consistent bad weather. Up and down the land you will see families huddled under makeshift gazebos whilst dad cremates pig meat protected from the rain by an umbrella. We wont be beaten.

As for the World Cup; it is a great way of practicing for the result of our general elections. For four years we have all followed our own favoured team; but now we form a coalition in order to support our national side. In the case of my two son-in-laws and me it will be a Spurs-Man pact.

In this new alliance there is no room for people who don't like beefburgers and all our cabinet meetings will be done, in the cold, around a barbecue.

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